All I Really Need to Know...

Life is not complex.  We are complex.  Life is simple,
and the simple thing is the right thing.
- Oscar Wilde

I think everyone has read or at least heard of "Everything I need to Know I learned in Kindergarten" or whatever it was called. I used to have a poster with all those little gems of knowledge on it. Sometimes I wish I had it back. I often find myself wishing, longing even, for nap time. Especially now that I am on my feet 7 hours a day screaming at children. Snack time is now shoving a banana, or this week a cough drop, in my mouth between classes, nap time is replaced with a few moments of alone time during my planning period, and my commute is the only time I have to center and get my thoughts together. My new bedtime (8:30ish)  is earlier than it ever was in grade school (10:30ish) and I don't even want to look at the clock in the morning and see the number "5" beginning my day. I wish I had the last 3 and a half years to do over again. There are definitely things I would change.....

But....(you knew it was coming)

I can't

So I have to make the most of what I have to work with and make each day (and some days, each hour) count. When I sat down to write, I had nothing on my mind but how long it would be until I could take a nap. Which led to thoughts about what I have to do today, this week, this month, this semster. When I reach my breaking point, I, or the unfortunate souls enduring my wrath, often have to perform a reality check. It is then, on occasion, that my mind wanders back to the simplicity of kindergarten...

and I think... does it really have to be so complicated now?

I don't think so..

Stumbleupon.com (my new guilty pleasure) showed me what I needed to see today... I came across a list on a blog called "Marc and Angel Hack Life." It was here that I discovered a grown up, revised version of the things I learned in kindergarten:

1. Don’t try to read other people’s minds.  Don’t make other people try to read yours.  Communicate.
2. Be polite, but don’t try to be friends with everyone around you.  Instead, spend time nurturing your relationships with the people who matter most to you.
3. Your health is your life, keep up with it.  Get an annual physical check-up.
4. Live below your means.  Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.  Always sleep on big purchases.  Create a budget and savings plan and stick to both of them.
5. Get enough sleep every night.  An exhausted mind is rarely productive.
6. Get up 30 minutes earlier so you don’t have to rush around like a mad man.  That 30 minutes will help you avoid speeding tickets, tardiness, and other unnecessary headaches.
7. Get off your high horse, talk it out, shake hands or hug, and move on.
8. Don’t waste your time on jealously.  The only person you’re competing against is yourself.
9. Surround yourself with people who fill your gaps.  Let them do the stuff they’re better at so you can do the stuff you’re better at.
10. Organize your living space and working space.  Read David Allen’s book Getting Things Done for some practical organizational guidance.
11. Get rid of stuff you don’t use.
12. Ask someone if you aren’t sure.
13. Spend a little time now learning a time-saving trick or shortcut that you can use over and over again in the future.
14. Don’t try to please everyone.  Just do what you know is right.
15. Don’t drink alcohol or consume recreational drugs when you’re mad or sad.  Take a jog instead.
16. Be sure to pay your bills on time.
17. Fill up your gas tank on the way home, not in the morning when you’re in a hurry.
18. Use technology to automate tasks.
19. Handle important two-minute tasks immediately.
20. Relocate closer to your place of employment.
21. Don’t steal.
22. Always be honest with yourself and others.
23. Say “I love you” to your loved ones as often as possible.
24. Single-task.  Do one thing at a time and give it all you got.
25. Finish one project before you start another.
26. Be yourself.
27. When traveling, pack light.  Don’t bring it unless you absolutely must.
28. Clean up after yourself.  Don’t put it off until later.
29. Learn to cook, and cook.
30. Make a weekly (healthy) menu, and shop for only the items you need.
31. Consider buying and cooking food in bulk.  If you make a large portion of something on Sunday, you can eat leftovers several times during the week without spending more time cooking.
32. Stay out of other people’s drama.  And don’t needlessly create your own.
33. Buy things with cash.
34. Maintain your car, home, and other personal belongings you rely on.
35. Smile often, even to complete strangers.
36. If you hate doing it, stop it.
37. Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother.
38. Apologize when you should.
39. Write things down.
40. Be curious.  Don’t be scared to learn something new.
41. Explore new ideas and opportunities often.
42. Don’t be shy.  Network with people.  Meet new people.
43. Don’t worry too much about what other people think about you.
44. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven, and likeminded.
45. Don’t text and drive.  Don’t drink and drive.
46. Drink water when you’re thirsty.
47. Don’t eat when you’re bored.  Eat when you’re hungry.
48. Exercise every day.  Simply take a long, relaxing walk or commit 30 minutes to an at-home exercise program.
49. Let go of things you can’t change.  Concentrate on things you can.
50. Find hard work you actually enjoy doing.
51. Realize that the harder you work, the luckier you will become.
52. Follow your heart.  Don’t waste your life fulfilling someone else’s dreams and desires.
53. Set priorities for yourself and act accordingly.
54. Take it slow and add up all your small victories.
55. However good or bad a situation is now, it will change.  Accept this simple fact.
56. Excel at what you do.  Otherwise you’ll just frustrate yourself.
57. Mature, but don’t grow up too fast.
58. Realize that you’re never quite as right as you think you are.
59. Build something or do something that makes you proud.
60. Make mistakes, learn from them, laugh about them, and move along.

Here's to simplicity,
Erin

Freaky Friday

I'm sitting here, Kleenex in hand, fighting a sinus infection, on my planning period. Today has been strange... everyone is being....mysteriously well behaved. I keep waiting for a bomb to drop or a freak tornado to pop up. It's unnatural.

Yesterday, I had my first experience with a child throwing up in my classroom, reaffirming my choice to eventually teach college. I am not made to handle people who cannot control their own bodily functions... but I digress.

So many days this semester I have woken up at 5:30, an hour unseen by my eyes for 4 years now, to make a 45 minute drive to Pope Middle School where I am doing my student teaching. To be honest, when I got my assignment last semester, I was less than happy. I had done observations in middle schools before, and let's just say it wasn't my cup of tea. If there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I don't tolerate certain types of people very well. One of those types of people is "tweeners" and now I get to see 120 of them everyday. I don't remember ever being in a state where I didn't know if I was a child or an adult or whatever this age is dealing with. Not to say that I didn't - I just don't remember it, ergo, I have a very difficult time tolerating a lot of the traits kids this age possess. I understand now why people say they like babies and older teenagers. This age is miserable and hormone-ridden. Having ranted about that, there are a select few that I enjoy talking to. I am starting to warm up to them and some are warming up to me, but like most things, tolerance is taking it's dear sweet time finding me. Today has definitely been a day that is reassuring.

Because I can't readily think of some horrible mishap today (other than the kid that puked) I decided to take a page out of fellow blogger Casey Bonner's (click here for her blog) book and include a list of funny analogies taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (this made me laugh out loud)

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. (or taco bell "beef")

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. (I want to teach this kid)

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. (This is obviously from an essay by Rainman)

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (who does this?)

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Stealing this at some point in my life.)

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


Happy, albeit freaky, Friday,
Erin

Ship Island

            If I am correct, there should be about three versions of this story floating around. Mine will be from the driver’s  perspective. I will give the version of the story from car number one, which included Claire, Lisa, Sagan, Claire’s friend from MC, Kaleb, and Jason Gault. Car number two included Mary Jane, Robert, Jessica Gibson-Adams, and her at-the-time-boyfriend, Stuart.

            The night before, Sagan stayed at my house, because we all knew she would never have gotten up on her own. I could not sleep. Sag made weird noises in her sleep, and kept claiming that there was a bug in the bed. Simply not true. Anyway, I got her up at around 4:45 a.m. because she is hard to get up. I had told Claire I’d be at her house at 5:30. After getting a call from Jason saying he ran out of gas, Sag and I went to pick him up. He’d pushed his car “over a mile” to a daycare. We left from there to get Claire. I pull up in the driveway and off we head to our third destination of the morning, and general meeting place, Lisa’s.

            All is well at Hedges’ residence, though Stuart is late. Probably looking for his insulin. We pack up and I end up driving Lisa’s mom’s car. We set Garmin to Biloxi. Everything is good. We end up having to pick up Claire’s friend in Hattiesburg.
Approximate driving distance to Hattiesburg: 1 hour
Place: McDonald’s.

Here is the conversation that ensued as we waited on Kaleb:

7:27 – Erin:  “Is he on the way?”
            Claire: “Yep. Just called.”

7:28 – MJ :(from the other car) “WHERE IS KALEB?! WE ARE GOING TO MISS THE FERRY!”
            Erin: “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

7:30 – The same conversation happens
7:31 – The same conversation happens

7:35 – Erin: MARY JANE. I WILL TELL YOU INFO AS SOON AS I GET IT!!!!!!
            MJ:  Stop being a bitch Erin. [Everyone in Erin’s car nods in agreement behind my                                    back.]

7:45 – Kaleb pulls up, I scream at him to jump in the car.

7:45 - everyone  now  hates  me.

            We leave Hattiesburg and I floor it. We have a boat to catch. On we drive. Somehow, because we do not pay attention to Garmin, we end up taking a wrong turn. Earlier I had complained to Robert that he was driving too fast and that “I was not driving 100 miles an hour to keep up with his hind end.” In reality it was a little more colorful. Now it was my turn to play NASCAR. We were on some highway. Meaning not on I-49, meaning, not on the right road. I thought we were gonna die, get a ticket, or worse case scenario, miss the boat. Steam is  shooting out of my ears. Lisa is in the passenger’s seat, reduced to singing me lullabies in order to soothe me. I want to kill kittens. To save a lot of ranting, we ended up back on I-49 and our ETA according to Garmin is 9:05. More speeding. I set the cruise on 90. Civil disobedience is fun. Ask Rosa Parks. Soon we realize we are headed to the wrong end of the coast. GREAT. This, however, turns out to be a blessing in disguise. It shaves 15 minutes off our trip. We should get there in time.

     We pull up in the parking lot. I consider buying a pack of  cigarettes, but refrain. I jump out of the car, get spread eagle on the ground and kiss the land under my face. I hate driving. I am nervous.. I feel like I need to scream.  Instead, we go to the dock and get our tickets about 2 seconds before the boat whistle blows.

            An hour later the boat docked and we got off and set up camp. It was sunny. I had sand between my toes. Everything is right. Sort of. Everyone lays out a while and then we finally make our way into the water.  

            At this point in the day, everyone notices that I somehow forgot to put the cups back into my bathing suit top. Mary Jane announces this to everyone. I thank her for pointing out my nipples. To the entire island. I find it prudent here to say that no one has pointed out, until now, that I have been walking around for several hours with smut black makeup all over my face. A big thank you to my Mary-Kay consultant, for selling me non-smudging-except-at-the-beach-when-you-need-to-look-your-hottest make up. Mmmmm.  I decide to take a break from my fellow humans and do what I do best. Eat. I walked back to our little camp to find three things:

            1. Someone ate all my sandwiches.

            2. Someone drank my mt. dew

            3. Sand now covered EVERYTHING I brought with me. (I know, it’s the beach. Go figure)

At around 1:30 we head back to the boat. Once on deck we lead a rousing chorus of Santeria and then other various Beatles songs. Not many people join in. We are displeased. Back on land we say how fun it was and all that jazz. I am not looking forward to getting behind the wheel again. We get 5 minutes down the road. Jessica calls. MJ’s car won’t start. Fabulous. We turn around. I get out in a parking lot in my bathing suit to put on more clothes. Little do I realize that I am in front of a huge window. People inside think I am in underwear. Yay. We end up not turning around. We stop in Hattiesburg for ice cream and to drop Kaleb off. We park outside of a Chuck E. Cheese at the mall and act creepy. A guy at the window keeps an eye on us. We obviously look like child molesters. While Claire and Kaleb run into Forever21, we get hungry and drive through Burger king.  This hilarious event has now come to be known as the "ketchupmayopickles only" story. I won’t tell you about it all, because, lucky you, I have a video. The short version is Sagan got 11 pickles on a burger she didn’t ever order. And got charged $11.

   

            We make it back to McComb, safe. Everything has returned to a state of acceptable state of calm. Sag, Jason and I drop Claire off and head to get Jason’s car. We drop him off


About ten minutes later, we remember: He didn’t have any gas…………

Rowan Oak Misadventures

"I would say that music is the easiest means in which to express, but since words are my talent, I must try to express clumsily in words what the pure music would have done better."
-William Faulkner
Date of incident: 6/17/10

I literally wrote this half sweat soaked, half rain soaked, but I knew if I didn't write it down when it happened, some details would get left out; you'll soon know how I live for the details.....I am including pictures from Rowan Oak for kicks. They were taken at a later date for a Flat Stanley project for Claire Lusk, a visit where we had fewer problems. I'm in the gray looking goofy and Lisa is in black.

    

"Last night for Dr. Hall's Southern Lit class, we finally got to read some contemporary works by none other than our very own William Faulkner. First "Red Leaves" and then "Delta Autumn."  Well, after class Lisa and I stated for approximately the 432nd time since we've moved here that we needed to go to Rowan Oak and browse. Since we had nothing to do, I said "Why don't we go today?" This was met with a "Sure, why not."



     We got out of class at 2pm, came home to eat a late lunch. By 2:30 we were in the car driving to Faulkner's house. We get there, walk around inside, ponder whether Faulkner used the toilet we used. Came to the conclusion that, yes, he had to have, how weird, etc. I think our favorite room was his office where he had written all over the walls the plot of "A Fable." After looking through the house we came back downstairs right as a herd (the word herd is most appropriate here) of what had to be 75-107 year old men and women who all had lanyards around their neck marking them as some group from the University of Alabama. They were all sweaty and I felt that a call for an ambulance was in the near future, as some of the group members threw themselves on to the stairs so they could regain breath. We sneaked away from the nursing home crowd and wandered around the servant quarters, the stable, the garden. The whole visit of the grounds might have been 20 minutes. On the way back to the car, I noticed that we had parked right at the mouth of the beginning of a "clearly marked quarter of a mile trail into Bailey's Woods." We had discussed Bailey's Woods in class and the sign said it would end in the parking lot. We were in the parking lot. You can see the logic, yes? We see the sign at the same time, Lisa and I just kind of looked at each other and nodded. After all a quarter of a mile is nothing, right? We start walking, I get paranoid about snakes, I get attacked by granddaddy long legs, hit my toe on a stick, the usual.

     We come to several forks in this "clearly marked path" and in true English major fashion,  quote Robert Frost and decide almost every time to take the less traveled looking of the forks. I don't know about McComb, but it's HOT here right now. So about 10 minutes into our little Bailey's Woods adventure (which I was not enjoying because I was too busy watching for venomous reptiles)  I get sweaty. I am silently praying we haven't taken some weird fork that is for hard core hikers or something. Just as I think this, I hear, as might be expected, an ominous roar of thunder. "Great. Grand. Awesome," I say. We pass over a bridge on a dried up creek bed and I say something cheerful like, "I bet some slaves drowned here or something, my gosh. Do you think those old people walked here earlier and that's why they were so sweaty?"  All of a sudden, we hear really loud techno music? Are the old people at the house partying? Surely not, thinks Lisa. "Did you see them? They looked like they were about to stroke out. They are not dancing."
     Another fork. I have given up on navigation. What I have not given up on is Googling Rowan Oak's telephone number so that in the event of an emergency (like the impending snake bite I am expecting to endure) we'll be able to call them, or 911 depending on the severity. About this time, we pop out unexpectedly of the woods AT THE BASEBALL FIELD on campus. My first words are something along the lines of "What in the hell."   I am ill, sweaty, and most importantly have NO clue how to get back to the car. We pop back into the woods, find a wide clearing, follow it and end up across the street from St. John's Catholic Church on University Ave. Again, I have no idea how we got there and no idea how to get back to the car. I call the boyfriend and say "Unless your apartment is on fire or something equally as catastrophic, I'm a long, long way away from my car. I do not want to explain this. Please come pick me up at St. John's. I am freaked out, it's lightning. There are snakes somewhere looking for me. Hurry" *click* Just as I hang up, I notice the time: 4:45. Then, the bottom falls out.  We don't even try to find somewhere to get out of the rain; We just sit. Boyfriend shows up about 5 minutes later. "Do not ask any dumb questions, Steven," says Lisa. I grimace appreciatively in her direction. He takes us back to Rowan Oak. As we pull into the driveway, a charter bus with the old people is pulling away. No one seemed to be in mortal danger or anything. Good for them. We pull up next to the car, at the mouth of the pathway and are greeted by scores of fire flies. I can imagine them forming the word "HA" as we drove away. Lisa, reflecting on our misadventure said, "Yeah those old people definitely didn't do the trail......"

Faulkner visit = fail

After sharing this misadventure with my former English teacher, she replied with this little anecdote:


     "In case I never told you, Faulkner employed a black man on his place, who mainly helped tend things. He was a friend as well. Somehow the name Joe comes to mind, but maybe that is Freudian....ANYWAY, he was interviewed after Faulkner's death and talked about hunting with Faulkner and tending his place. What I MOST remember reading is that he said that Faulkner would not allow him to kill any snake on his property. The man said something to this effect in his interview..."I was sho nuff careful to watch my feets...."


I like to think "Joe" was watching out for me that day. Somebody was.

Cheers,
Erin

And so it begins

     Over the last few years it has become a small, backburnered ambition of mine to write a book. College, student teaching, Oxford's Square, and general lethargy have hindered this little dream project, so I have decided to begin compiling my stories in hopes that one day I can take Chelsea Handler's job, firing that scary Latin midget (yes, I realize that is not the preferred nomenclature. You'll undoubtedly hear about my.. feelings toward this type of person if you hang out and read long enough) once and for all.

     I've decided that my life is the personification of Murphy's Law. For those of you that have been living under a proverbial rock for the last century, the contemporary version of Murphy's Law states:


                                    "Anything that can possibly go wrong, will."

Though my life isn't exactly what I would call disastrous, it is comically relieving sometimes upon the retelling of my hap hazardous tales.

Because I am student teaching, I may occasionally use this as a mental health break. Expect lots of pithy ranting. I make no apologies.

So here's to a new start on a fresh piece of Internet paper. More stories, new and old, to come shortly.

Cheers,
Erin